How Phantom Really Went
by Rosalie Cullen 1
Summary: A Phan's shortened version of the wonderful Phantom of the Opera! Please read and review!


**A/N: So this is a parody of Phantom of the Opera (one of my favorite musicals ever!) and it was written for a skit at my school. I thought that I'd just throw it out here and see what you guys think. This is short and moves fast because the overall show it's a part of has at least ten other skits, so they all need to be under a certain time limit. So please enjoy!**

Characters:

Andre

Carlotta

Christine

Firmin

Madame Giry

Meg

Phantom

Raoul

* * *

Carlotta: (Singing ABCs as loudly and badly as possible)

Phantom: (At the corner of stage right. Says as Carlotta's singing) Dear God she's just… so horrible… Please make it stop. Someone- Please- Just- SHUT UP! (Throws object at _Carlotta_)

Carlotta: (Screams and cries)

Meg: (Comes out stage left and runs around wildly, freaking out about the _Phantom_)

Carlotta: Shut up, Meg.

Meg: (Stops)

Firmin: (Enter stage left with _Andre_) Signora, I apologize.

Andre: These things do happen.

Carlotta: (Very annoyed) Uh huh. Yeah. Whatever. Talk to the hand. (Waves) Oh! The hand says goodbye! (Exits)

Andre and Firmin: (Start to follow) NOOOOOOO! (Stop)

Andre: Now who will take the part? We'll have to give out refunds to everyone who was going to come!

Firmin: And that's…

Andre: Bad.

Firmin: Right! Why?

Andre: (Sighs) Because we're the managers and would have to give our money back to the people!

Firmin: But I like money…

Andre: So we need to find someone to replace Carlotta!

Madame Giry: (Appears) Christine Daae could do it. She's been taking lessons from this one guy.

Meg: (Freaks out)

Madame Giry: Shut up, Meg.

Meg: (Stops)

Christine: (In audience or somewhere random) You talking about me behind my back? (Goes to Giry) If I want the part, I'll speak up for myself! I don't need you, Madame Giry! You're just the entire reason why I have a job and a house!

Firmin: (Pauses) Do you want the part?

Christine: Yes.

Andre: Great! (Goes to shake her hand) Congra-

Firmin: (Holds him back) But can you sing?

Christine: Duh. (Sings ABCs either really well or terribly)

Firmin: Eh. She'll do.

Raoul: (In audience) She's wonderful! (Screams like a rabid fan) I love you, Christine!

Phantom: (Appears stage left) She's beautiful… MINE! (Steals _Christine_)

Raoul: NO! (skips after _Phantom_)

(Lights go out, then come back up)

Phantom: (Enters with _Christine_ stage right) Okay so we're going to have like, so much fun! We'll do each other's nails, makeovers, you'll sing for me, and we'll get married! Do you want to see your dress?

Christine: YES! Wait, what? No!

Phantom: But I made it just for you.

Christine: And that's creepy! How long have you known me?

Phantom: Long enough. (Tries to kiss _Christine_)

Christine: STOP! (Slaps _Phantom_)

Phantom: Ow! (Slaps _Christine_)

Christine: Ow! You can't slap me! I'm a girl! (Slaps _Phantom_)

Phantom: (Pushes _Christine_. They fight)

Madame Giry: (Enters and gets between the two) Both of you stop it! (Points at _Christine_) You need to stop fighting people! And you! (Points at _Phantom_) You need to stop taking our singers! You're both grounded.

Phantom and Christine: (Whine)

Madame Giry: Stop! Now Raoul's waiting for you, Christine. (Takes _Christine _offstage)

(Lights go out and come back up)

Raoul: (Waiting nervously for _Christine_)

Madame Giry: (Throws _Christine _towards _Raoul_) Take her! She's been whining since I got her.

Christine: (Whines)

Raoul: (Takes her) Ah, Christine! Finally! We can be together! I knew this would happen since that one day five years ago when I saw you that one time!

Christine: We were like childhood sweethearts for those five minutes!

Raoul: Yes! And now that I have a ton of money and gorgeous hair, we're going to have like, so much fun! We'll do each other's nails, makeovers, you'll sing for me, and we'll get married! Do you want to see your dress?

Christine: YES!

Raoul: (Takes out smart phone) I posted a picture of it on Facebook. Isn't it pretty?

Christine: Oh Raoul, it's gorgeous! I can't wait to marry you! (Kisses _Raoul's _cheek and exits)

Raoul: (Smiles to the audience) And that is how Raoul, Vicomte de Changy gets all the ladies! (Pops collar and exits)

Phantom: (Enters) That's not fair! I called dibs you jerk! (Grumbles) Gonna ruin your opera… (Throws down a banana peel and exits)

Christine: (Enters singing ABCs and trips on the banana peel)

Phantom: (Laughs hysterically from offstage)

Christine: (Cries) The Phantom is so mean!

Phantom: Deal with it!

Raoul: (Runs to _Christine_ and hugs her) The Phantom isn't real, Christine. You're just a little coocoo for coco puffs.

Christine: You saw him!

Raoul: Nope. Not real.

Phantom: I'm real.

Raoul: Not believing it. But I'll still marry you, Christine.

Christine: Yay! (Claps)

(Lights out then up. Everyone except _Phantom_ is on stage, laughing and talking. Then dramatic music plays)

Phantom: (Enters)

Meg: (Starts to freak out)

Phantom: Hey guys! What's up? Partay! (Laughs then becomes serious) Okay. Enough of that. Here's an opera. (Throws down a binder) Don't mess it up. Christine gets the lead, Carlotta gets nothing, and Meg… Just shut up. And you! (Goes up to _Raoul_) I. Called. Dibs. On. Christine. She's mine! (Runs offstage)

Firmin: So we'll put Carlotta as the lead and mess this up.

Andre: Sounds good.

Everyone: (Chatters)

Raoul: I have an idea!

Everyone: (Silence)

Raoul: Why don't we actually do what he says? Then we can catch him! (Hands the binder to _Christine_) Sing.

Christine: Wait, so you're just using me now to get someone that you didn't even think was real until two minutes ago?

Raoul: Well when you put it that way, I sound like a jerk! But yes.

Christine: (Hesitates) Okay. Just don't let him take me again.

Raoul: (Winks) No promises.

(Lights out then up)

Christine: (Singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star) Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…

Phantom: (Enters) How I wonder what you are!

Both: Up above the world so high.

Phantom: Like a diamond in the- MINE! (Steals _Christine_)

Christine: (Screams)

(Lights out then up)

Phantom: (Enters) Okay! We're getting married right now!

Christine: But-

Phantom: No buts!

Christine: Where are we anyway?

Phantom: In my lair under the opera house!

Christine: But it looks just like the other sets and-

Phantom: Shh! We're on a budget!

Raoul: (Enters) Christine!

Phantom: Ah! Oh, it's you. (Grabs handcuffs and handcuffs him to a chair)

Raoul: Not fair! Christine said she'd marry me!

Phantom: And I called dibs! So she's mine!

Raoul: Can't she choose?

Phantom: (Pauses) Okay, but on my conditions. Choose me, and I'll let Raoul go. Choose Raoul, and I'll kill him.

Christine: So I have to choose you?

Phantom: Yes.

Christine: (Ponders) Okay!

Phantom: Alright Raoul. Time to die. (Steps towards _Raoul_)

Raoul: But she chose you! Please just let me go! I don't want to die! (Cries)

Phantom: Really? Oh! Awesome! (Hugs _Christine_)

Christine: (Hugs _Phantom_)

Raoul: Eeeeww cooties.

Phantom: (Pulls away) Okay, you're both free to go.

Christine: What? But I chose you!

Phantom: Yeah, but I changed my mind. Now get out before I call the cops.

Christine: No! I want to stay with you! (Clings to _Phantom_)

Phantom: (Pulls _Christine _off) No! Go with your love! You know you want to!

Christine: But I love you!

Phantom: No you don't! Madame Giry, please take this crazy woman.

Madame Giry: (Enters and takes _Christine _offstage)

Raoul: What the-? When did she-?

Phantom: Why aren't you gone?!

Raoul: Sorry! Sorry! Don't kill me! Please! (Scurries off with the chair still chained to him)

Phantom: Tch, Frenchmen.

(Lights out)

**A/N: Not bad, right? Maybe? No? Okay T.T Well, it was fun to write and I did it in one night, so I'm actually pretty proud of this little piece o' crap. Please review and give me suggestions on what to fix so that it will be better by the time it gets put on stage!**


End file.
